I need to vent. This has been long overdue.
Ask any of my friends and they would have told you that I was the kind of girl that would make logical rather than emotional decisions. I was also the girl who do not trust easily. But all that changed last year, because, how else would you sustain a five year long relationship without trusting your partner?
And that was what I did, and that was when I felt anger at myself. Anger for being foolish, naive and weak! But all that anger seemed so petty compared to the anger I felt at my partner of five-years for doing this to me – for violating my trust!
I still remembered, for five years in our relationship, I was blissfully unaware of the nature of men. I thought he was special, that he was not like any other men who are driven by other heads than the one that contains a brain! And for that, I was foolish.
I quickly came to rationalize that I am a victim and that the issue did not lie with me, but with my partner. And after eight months of rationalizing things in my head, seeking reassurance from him and even trying to work things out (which failed badly), I decided to give myself the ultimatum: If I could never trust this person again, I would do what all women with some sense of dignity would do – I would leave.
The process has been hard without much progress. It would have been better if he had admitted to the emotional affair, but he didn’t. Instead, he denied any wrong-doings, emphasizing that it was only a co-worker which he saw as a sister. Now, that would have been good if it was true – but I vividly remembered their conversations going like this:
He: You are the second person who seems to understand me the most in this world.
Or
She: I’m sweating! (after a gym session)
He: Sexy 😛 (Yes, with that emoticon that he never uses with me)
Or
He: Any guy that marries you would be a lucky man.
On top of that, they talk about topics he tells me are stupid (I know, because I tried to talk to him about the same topics (i.e. horoscope predictions), only for him to tell me that those are stupid topics), but he has the energy to entertain her ‘stupid’ topics when he would not with me. He spends every waking hour texting her, for the duration when this “affair” started. He would wake up in the morning and spend almost an hour in the toilet responding to her texts (which often made me late for work), he would text her at work and have lunch together (they work in the same office), and when he comes home, he would be in the toilet for long intervals between 8pm – 12am, texting her.
He would bitch about me to her. He started making more health-conscious decisions (She is a vegan). And he even started buying colognes (even though I have previously persuaded him for months to get cologne – to which he says NO to EVERY.SINGLE.TIME). And that was the trigger point for me – I knew something was going on.
I could go on, but I rather not. Imagine how I felt when I realized that he was unconsciously comparing her to me!
I really did not know how I could have overlooked the affair while it was happening for the duration of that two months! Even now, eight months after the fact, I could not help but think he would do it again.
Because, newsflash! They have decided to start a company with two other ex-colleagues.
And I thought to myself, this would never end. I am a proud women, even though he constantly puts me down – I have very high regards for myself. If it wasn’t for the fact that we were together for five years, I would have left him in a blink of an eye.
Loyalty and respect are both fundamental principles in my life when it comes to any relationships. Even more so for intimate relationships! So, if he could bitch about me to his female ‘co-worker’, whom he only knew for four months, what kind of respect does he have for me?
None. That is the cold hard truth.
And I believe, this year would be the year that would determine whether our five year relationship would come to an end.
The Diary of Bel 